Did you hear the one about the roof? Redneck cousin says I dont know, but I sure as HELL dont want any motherf***ing pancakes!. "Oh, Im so sorry to hear that. The barber finished giving the haircut but there was no sign of the father. What kind of music do planets like? Cars, camping, and even baking - all of these topics are discussed in these funny jokes that are long, entertaining, and purely hilarious. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. A bookworm. Apparently, the snowmen want more sugar than corn flakes can provide. 119. The eeriest. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? 107. 85. ", A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. What doesnt get any wetter no matter how much it rains? 190. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. What do you give to a sick lemon? A thief stuck a pistol in the man's ribs and said: "Give me your money.". Silence! Continue with Recommended Cookies. "The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one", A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. What do cheerleaders eat for breakfast? Ive been here only 20 minutes!No mistake, the doctor says. A father-in-law. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. We have lots of holiday-specific jokes, too, including Christmas jokes, New Year's jokes, Thanksgiving jokes, Halloween jokes, Easter jokes, Father's Day jokes and Valentine's Day. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! Seeing the historians alarmed, the mummy said that he just wanted to listen to some music. Its part of my religion and Im on edge., The redneck cop writes the Muslim man a ticket and looks down at him, then says: One, yer religion dont let you slide past all our laws, an two, it aint called fastin, stupid. Best One-Liner Dad Jokes "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now." "A guy walks into a bar.and he was disqualified from the limbo contest." "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Cricket. What kind of chicken is the funniest? Why did the computer get glasses? I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. What do you call a quiet laugh in Maui? (2022), Mason Jar May Day Basket | FREE Printable Tags, 500+ Hilarious Jokes for Kids {Kid Approved} . One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you wish you still had legs like that! Why do we tell actors to break a leg? 178. A deodor-ant. The alarmed waiter rushes over and says, "Well Sir, it was freshly ground coffee! Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem. The Muslim man is driving through a rural town in Alabama when is was pulled over by a redneck police officer. Bubba the redneck decided to save up and get a hang-glider. 153. Because he was a little shellfish. ", A guy asks a lawyer about his fees.I charge $50 for three questions, the lawyer says.Thats awfully steep, isnt it?, the guy asks.Yes, I suppose so, the lawyer replies. My friend once called a few house painters to his house for some work. , "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! MY wifes so stupid, the other night I found condoms in her purse, and she dont even have a penis!. Micro-waves. He wanted to be a Smartie. How's the water? Where do elephants store their clothes? 220. What do you call a pig that does karate? Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. What washes up on very small beaches? He eventually makes his way over to the bear.The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted. I always pronounce one word wrong. A woman walked up to a little old redneck rocking in a chair on his porch. "Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance. Why did the tree go to the dentist? A cat-tastrophe. I excel at sleeping. To reach the high notes! A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. The drumstick. One of the hunters pushed forward, Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. Logic? He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. Q: Con A: Okay, now you say, "Control Freak who?" Here are more knock knock jokes that are genuinely funny! I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. Why wouldnt the shrimp share his treasure? The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. 183. "What's wrong? Grandma may be the queen of nonsensical sayings, but Dad is certainly the king of cheesy jokes. What did one horse say to the other? Why shouldn't you trust atoms? Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. Why was six scared of seven? A garbage truck. You spend so much time on the course. 58. How do you measure a snake? 285. A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. 155. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. She gets out and says "I want you two to make mad passionate love to me in the barn. Everything you need over 50% OFF. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? Here's what your email address says about your computer skills: Own domain (e.g., @methodshop.com): You're skilled and capable. It's a knight light. "A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! He looks at his mother and says, "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says, "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a . Also an owner of 0.0028 Bitcoin. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. The satisfactory. Pup-eroni pizza! He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay? Neptunes. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. What type of sandals do frogs wear? 84. A comedi-hen! Well, Bubba began, We wuz havin a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?. Where does the General keep his armies? Everything else is irrelephant. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? What do you call a lazy kangaroo? How do you identify a dogwood tree? She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. He ate the pizza before it was cool. I aint never seen nuthinlike that in my entire life, I aint got no idear what it is.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-netboard-1','ezslot_22',625,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-netboard-1-0'); While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. What do you call a dinosaur with only one eye? What kind of ghost has the best hearing? As I was fixing the car, the lady would cross the road and shout "Hello" at me. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "scotch. asked the operator.He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. So. Ill hang around. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. Two dragons walk into a bar. He just told me that if I wanted to get a free haircut at the barbershop, I should come with him. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A soccer match. What do you call a pile of cats? A Dell! So we're asking drivers for donations. What does corn say when you give it a compliment? He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges. Share a giggle with these funny jokes! Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? The discovered mummy, on display at the party hall, suddenly woke up. - The wheels, because they are always tired. A big moron and a little moron were standing on a cliff. Mind Your Own Business replied, "I am looking for Trouble! I wonder how deep it is., The second hunter says, I dont know, lets throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom., The first hunter says, Theres this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and well throw it in and see.. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); From hosting a shrimp boil, celebrating holidays, making homemade scratch art paper, sewing gifts and throwing parties to cooking delicious food, you will find it all here at Skip To My Lou. An Envelope. 66. 193. 21 What are the only two seasons a Redneck can name? Killing me. Very Rich Clay, what is your second wish? Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, What happened? The man replies, I hit this rabbit with my car and now its dead! The other person gets a thoughtful look on their face and goes back to their car. A terminal illness. 250. It had buck teeth. What is the opposite of a croissant? Because theyre always stuffed! What type of candy is always late? What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? 194. 96. Your feedback will help us improve the article. Whats the best way to burn 1000 calories? You know what I saw today? The doctor saw him and asked him what the matter was. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.". What do you call a bear with no teeth? What do you call a fake father? Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. My grief counselor died. What did the grape do when it got stepped on? Where did the music teacher leave her keys? How do you mend a jack-o-lantern? What makes cars not work properly when you change wheels? A parrot. ", replies the first crow. 99. 134. How did the hipster burn his mouth? Lemon aid! They suspected foul play. 282. Never mindits tearable. Nobody knows. A nervous wreck. "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. Teacher Appreciation Ideas 100s of the Best Ideas, Over 300 FUNNY Jokes to Make You Laugh! 102. 79. A refrigerator. The first redneck says, My wifes so damn stupid the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we dont even have a bike.. 147. Mercury is in Uranus right now. What did the clock ask the watch? "She's my ex-wife. A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. "Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason. What do you call a woman with one leg? 2. The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive". What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? What kind of bug can tell time? She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers: Please be gentle with me. In case she needed to draw blood. Why are skeletons so calm? Hey Pandas, What Is Your Favorite Conspiracy Theory? Poke him on. If the answer is positive, scroll down below to check them all out! Dont worry these funny jokes deliver and make great jokes for adults too! Because people are dying to get in. Funny adjectives: queer, sick, rummy, laughable, risible, comic, odd, amusing, questionable, humourous, mirthful, suspect, shady, curious, singular, suspicious, rum, humorous, peculiar, fishy, unusual, comical, ill, strange 86. Why are hairdressers never late for work? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didnt realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN. Right where you left him. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?! I avoid highways in winter. Address! 204. Studying the Miranda Rights. Patient: "Doc, my bum hurts"Doctor: "Where specifically does it hurt? Did you hear the rumor about the butter? The waiter asks, Would you like anything? The bear responds, No, Im stuffed.. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. It was a tyrannosaurus wrecks. 256. There are over 200 short jokes that will keep you and your friends chucklesnorting all day! How long does it take to make butter? They have anty-bodies. He also gets whacked and sent back to his room, crying. 296. Theres a cure for that, though - a long joke! These food jokes are on little cards so you can put them in a lunch box. What's stranger than seeing a catfish? A stick. He Neverlands. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? They always take things literally. So, what should you expect from these story jokes, you might ask? When it is ajar. 23 Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Tennessee State Lottery? Because he used up all his cache. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container. What did Venus say to Saturn? Two walkie talkies got married. I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you? 47. But the pilot objected he said, The plane can take out only four of your elk. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. My cousin replied, "Absolutely not! 173. Batman! I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. What do you call a bear with no teeth? - You take 'em to the old Volk's home. What has four wheels and flies? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. It was in tents. If you cant find a date! Why do melons have weddings? Why did the scarecrow win an award? Why are toilets always so good at poker? Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, Mother of six, I think its time to go! The wife immediately shouts back, Ill be right with you, father of four!, Two young boys had their redneck cousin over to spend the night with them. Yet, sometimes, the need arises for something longer, more along the lines of a funny story. These funny Monday jokes will help you make it through the week. 265. 48. Why do you go to bed at night? He got 12 months. Make me one with everything.. He ordered some. We have even more jokes that are stupid but funny to share with you. The signature of a dad joke is that it's utterly uncool. Why did the picture go to jail? A trebled man. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. I think Im going to go to college.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_4',618,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_5',618,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2-0_1');.large-leaderboard-2-multi-618{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:250px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}. What is the strongest animal in the sea? It was beat. Because it had so many problems. Whats the stinkiest planet? A bowl full of mice-cream. Eileen. 1 What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. A tomato in an elevator. Aloha. it's pretty much a universal fact that petting or even spotting a dog in the street can lift your mood. Whats an avocados favorite kind of music? funny dreadlocks jokes. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.I want to go home, says the first friend. Why did the shopping cart go to therapy? Well except the kids, right? How does NASA organize a party? He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. You wont miss an opportunity to make someone laugh with these corny good jokes. 295. I got help for my ATM addiction, but went through withdrawals first. 221. 44. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? Because they arrgh! ", A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. 175. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. Why should you knock on the refrigerator before opening the door? What does a house wear? There's no atmosphere. Dreadlocks and Ringlets. With a mon-key. Minnesota (as in, mini-soda). "The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over! 300 Funny Jokes Have a good laugh over these clean jokes you can tell your friends and kids without getting in trouble! Sneakers wont help you outrun that bear." In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. Watching a fish bowl. I don't file my nails. I'll never forget my dad's face when I gave him his 50th birthday card, tears in his eyes, as he said to me, 'One . Whats a cats favorite color? Why doesnt the sun go to college? Because they know all the short cuts! The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. Mother of six, the redneck would say, whats for dinner tonight? What do you call a cold dog? Where do learn how to make ice cream? And if you have a house, you probably have a wife, and if you have a wife you must be a heterosexual!if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_11',619,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0'); Wow! Jim said, You found all that out just because I have a weed Wacker! The Dean nodded. There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. What did one hat say to the other? What does a triceratops sit on? A buccaneer. What do you call it when you walk into a cafe youre sure youve been to before? "God said, "Sure, just a second. No, answered the redneck, she just lays there like her mother. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. Which superhero hits home runs? The letter V! ", Once, a mosquito walked into a clinic. It wanted to improve its website. Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight! A facepalm. The two boys had never heard that word before and asked about it. Posted On 7, 2022. Follow me on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram for all my latest updates. Oinkment. 201. It slipped a disk. Turned out that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo! He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse? Then two years ago, you told me to go to Mexico, and Earlene got pregnant again. I think she could be right.Saul replied enthusiastically, Well done! 297. Why was the math book sad? He wanted to live in the present. "Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. Why did the Football Coach go to the bank? I'm a congressman.". A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. 230. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. But you need to wear these condoms to stop me from getting pregnant.". Why did the ghost go to rehab? 26. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? What cookie flavor do monkeys love? A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations!
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